Usually I can handle “a lot” – my default setting is ‘happy’ and it buffers me from the vagaries of daily living. I love being the one who comes through for my friends and family. I have been resilient in the face of my financial difficulties, my health issues, and the political climate. But last night, I just fell apart. Sometimes things get to be too much.
This is my stream of consciousness of what’s wrong:
teach my son to write better than an eighth grader by tomorrow for his first college paper make sure everyone votes Democratic show up for a party that I said I go to but really can’t handle right now cleaning up my house putting away all of my off-season clothes cook dinner every night grocery shop for two households the tooth I had capped still bothers me my older son’s college schedule drive younger son to college courses keep up with dental and medical appointments for three human beings go home to see my conservative parents for Thanksgiving who are supporting the hate filled agenda of the administration live on a shoestring budget for the last year and a half because my ex is out of work keep up with possible things that would help with my menopause symptoms and weight gain be a good friend read all the things I can about what’s going on with this administration and the terrible things it’s doing to our country and my friends try to do something about that be terrified that my teenage son shares none of my values and seems to lean heavily to his father’s conservative side and expresses things that as he gets older are going to be abhorrent political views read a 1000 page novel keep up with a new part-time job that has a business owner who is less than on top of things be worried about the failing health of my parents and the likelihood that my dad’s an alcoholic the fact that I have a shoulder impingement that hurts me each and every day but I don’t currently have the money to go to a physical therapist that my car continues to have things fail on it and it’s getting to where it’s not worth repairing, but I don’t have the money to buy a new one the exterior of my house is starting to decline and my yard is completely out of control so bad that I have four feral cats living under my back porch my gums are bleeding my son’s college plans don’t seem to be lining up with his abilities and I keep trying to offer alternatives and he refuses to look into the difficulties I’m pointing out I am so sad that my parents *are* the problem that a group of friends that I really like no longer naturally get together regularly I have never felt so afraid for my actual person and for the people in my life as I do now even compared to September 11 when the plane that flew into the Pentagon was close enough to make my windows rattle and the anthrax scare actually exposed my husband at the time
Some of these things I can control. A lot of them I cannot. And the odds are that some of the “bad” will actually come to be.
Therefore, I am making an attempt at a media blackout for a week. While I might still try to check in on my friends via FB, I will be zooming by all “current events” posts, not turning on NPR, not listening to topical podcasts, and not watching Colbert/Noah/Meyers on YT.
And here is me enjoying the fruits of this world’s climate destroying ways – it’s 75 degrees on Novemember 1st.