So this is why people hate lawyers. My father is a small-town attorney in Pennsylvania, so I grew up loving an attorney. The idea of hating lawyers never made sense to me. Now, now that I have to hire a fourth lawyer to deal with my divorce, I hate lawyers too.
First lawyer, a man, was a dick. It was at the very beginning of my divorce journey and I didn’t know what I was doing. His advice after having me in his office three times was to wait until my husband left for work and then 
pack up some essentials and the children and drive away to a new apartment. He wanted me to leave a note on the table saying that I had moved out and only leave my new phone number! After that I realized that he simply could not understand the type of separation I was having with my ex and knew that I could no longer use him. There went a couple thousand dollars.
Next lawyer, a woman, was an absolute bully. And no she did not bully my ex or his lawyer, she bullied me. I got just one decent document out of her. In a flurry of financial magic, I managed to buy the family home from my ex. People don’t really understand that you can’t just “buy out” the other person you own a home with. In order for the house to be mine, “Peter and Cheryl” had to sell the house to “Cheryl.” That means all the lawyers fees, all the title fees, all the taxes – everything that goes into buying and selling a house in a regular situation happened for me too. So this lawyer was the one who wrote the document that said “Cheryl agrees that all the money she paid Peter is not marital assets and belongs 100% Peter.” So essentially not even a positive for me. After that some of the things that she wanted to do were so aggressive that I finally realize she was a bully. I ended my relationship with her. Again more thousands of dollars than the previous one. Gone.
Then came the mediator. This guy was an idiot. Only upside was that I found out my ex had been lying to me about his job. He had actually retired from the federal government 15 months earlier and was not only receiving a MUCH higher salary, but he was also receiving his full pension. A pension to which I am legally entitled because Virginia is a community property state. But what did I get out of the mediator in actual useful paperwork? Nothing. The document he gave us was the biggest piece of shite I have ever seen from a “professional.” Even OTHER PEOPLE’S NAMES INSTEAD OF OURS in it. So a good thousand dollars down the tube again.
Third lawyer’s office was super close to me and I liked that we got along. I saw her probably three times and was comfortable with the method that she operated in. But nearly as soon as I had given her the retainer, my ex lost his job. Hoping that he would be employed quickly, I contacted her and said that we could no longer have active negotiations about our property settlement agreement, but that I still wanted to have her as my attorney so that we could start up again quickly as soon as Peter was employed again. Clearly a bad choice, because 18 months went by before he had another job and I could’ve used the money that she held as my retainer. I contacted her earlier this week to say that we could move forward and she informed me yesterday that she could not provide me any services because she wasn’t taking any new clients. Apparently the 18 month gap qualifies me as a new client even though she’s had my money all along.
So after 18 long months, Peter has a new job that, praise Allah, survived the government shut down. But I am still not getting much money from him because we have to agree on an amount based on his new salary. And of course this cannot be effectively done representing my interests unless I have a lawyer look over his lawyer’s recommendations. I am defeated and dejected. I have spent 18 months draining my savings, scrambling to move money, and weathering huge expenses that many typical families would have difficulty covering. And now that I can perhaps get back to normal, I am faced with hiring yet another attorney, paying a FOURTH time to tell my story to get started.
My long journey is still not done. And it’s going to cost me more money.
I Go To Eleven 